x
i'm not having the best time
between setting off for work at 6.30 this morning, in the dark, having some bitch of a customer shout at me for no fucking reason, watching dan smash one of my nice black-stemmed wine glasses and delivering papers in the freezing cold, james managed to kill any shred of a good mood i may have had left with the short but sweet and to the point txt message:
the kid is mine.
just found out.
see, since my last entry, we i have been constantly wondering if my darling boyfriend who i love dearly had in fact managed to knock-up the woman he was fucking five years ago, unbeknownst to said woman's husband [and apparently to the dumb bitch woman herself]
and herein lies my problem
she must have fucking well known
and she didn't say a damn thing
and now it involves me
and i don't want it to
mainly because y'know, i'm an incredibly selfish and self-absorbed person, most people who suffer from depression are, in my opinion
before we knew for sure, james asked me if it would change the way i felt about him and i lied, put my arms around him and said no
then he asked me later if had i known he was in this situation when i met him, would i have still decided to meet him for a drink [exactly 1 year and 13 days ago] and this time i didn't lie, rolled away from him in bed and said no
and now i have no idea how i feel really because i've stopped feeling anything at all
which can't really be a good sign
actually i do feel something, i feel sick, trapped and angry
all at no particular person, other than myself
and i feel it all twice because james hasn't said a fucking thing to me about what he's feeling - which is probably nothing at all
which is just fucking sad
oh yeah, and i'm thinking about fucking a guy at work because a] i can, b] i don't care if i do and c] to prove my point about being a incredibly selfish cunt
